SLEEP OR SHEEP

When sleep escapes me, what can I do,
My mind brings up problems
And I have to think them through.
I try to reject them but I can't clear my brain,
I want to think of other things
But my troubles come again.

People say to get to sleep
The one thing you can try,
Is that old trick of counting sheep,
But mine all seem very shy.
My sheep all seem so naughty
They will not jump the style,
I get all the wayward ones
Their manners are quite vile.

I go through all the poetry
That I loved as a child,
Then I find I've forgotten bits
That really drives me wild.
So It's back to my crosswords
They really tire my brain,
When I've done a few of those
Sleep comes once again.

Jill West.

I find the Daily Telegraph Quick X.word books
ideal for banishing unwanted thoughts.

Update nursery rhymes.

Hey diddle diddle the cat did a widdle,
Mother got rather upset,
"It's just as well he's not very big,
I wouldn't want a cow for a pet".

These two are from a friend who lives nearby.

Mary Mary make over fairy,
How does your garden grow.?
With decking , hot tub and water feature
And a few flowers just for show.

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry,
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them to; he's bi O.K.

Brian Cowley.

THE GNOME.

There's a gnome in our garage, he's made it his home,
He comes from this parish, so he's not had to roam.
He sleeps in a hammock where he gently rocks,
He has a small line where he hangs out his socks.
He only eats baked beans straight from the tin
But as he eats dozens he's not very thin.

He sings little songs as he brushes the flags.
He's quick with his needle so he's never in rags.
Sometimes we wish that he'd go away
So we rage and we yell our anger to vent
But we always say he can stay, as we have to admit
That we do need the rent.

SEQUEL.

The gnome in our garage has let out some room,
We asked him for details and we said "to whom".
The gnome said "he was homeless just like myself
So I made him a bunk bed, he's just a wee elf."

The elf sings karaoke his voice is so high
The sound of his wailing makes our poor neighbours cry,
As we can do nothing to make him relent,
We've told that mad gnome we are raising his rent.

Jill West.

ELF UPDATE

Remember I told you about that small gnome
Who came to our garage and made it his home.
You heard how he took in that homeless wee elf,
And gave him space at some cost to himself.

WELL! there's been an upset they've had a big split
The elf threw a party the gnome threw a fit.
All the elfs friends came , they made lots of noise,
Small elfish devils those wee girls and boys.

The karaoke was loud and they all sang a lot
The gnome was complaining but who cared a jot.
When the elves started drinking the elderflower wine
The gnome was cheesed off he said "that was mine.

I'd saved that for Xmas you horrible bunch
Now there'll be nothing to have with our lunch."
The elf said he was sorry he'd been so unpleasant
He made shoes for the gnome as a nice early present.

Designed in green leather with nice curly ends,
The gnome was delighted, they're now best of friends.
It's best to say sorry when you know you're wrong.
Then you will keep frienship that's lasting and strong.

Jill West.
Some people (gnomes in particular) are easily pleased.

MOBILE MANIA

Moron! Moron! Moron! I want to shout
Although I know that he can't hear.
Coming round the corner on the wrong side of the road
With a phone clamped to his ear.

It makes me so sad that people don't care,
It's not only young men break the law,
We know all the grief an accident causes,
Misuse of mobiles makes my senses feel raw.

The mobile phone has taken over it's everywhere you go,
People heedless of their children as the wander too and fro.
They can be very useful when used to summon aid,
But they themselves cause danger, very common I'm afraid.

You may call me a grumpy old woman,
I can see that is probably right,
But I don't want it say on my headstone,
Killed by mobile phone one dark night.

Jill West.

I wrote this poem after nearly dying of shock when a large
car just missed me after coming round a corner on my side
of the round. Needless to say the driver was on a mobile phone.

Cider D.Ts

When we moved from Wiltshire to Somerset many, many years ago this small village seemed quaintly behind the times. In particular the old thatched pub The Red Lion Inn. (This still looks old but is very much up to date and serves exellent food.)
The drink of choice for farm workers was scrumpy (very rough cider.) Some of them took bottles of the stuff to drink with their lunch. This sometimes caused quite drastic results.
So this poem.
Cider D.Ts.

He thought he saw an elephant walking on the wall,
Jumbo looked a bit unsteady as if heading for a fall.
Then came a tiger hanging on his tail
The tiger had had a few so he looked rather frail.

A large white rabbit came behind, then a small brown donkey,
Behind these were a camel and a funny little monkey.
The jumbo sprouted wings and flew, the others quickly followed
It was then the old chap knew it was all the booze he'd swallowed.

The moral of this story is don't drink too much cider.

Jill West.

The Pussy.

A pussy died and went to heaven, his life had not been good.
He passed through the pearly gates and by St Peter stood.
St Peter said "what can I do to make things up to you"?
The pussy said "a cushion please and tasty bits to chew."

Later in came little mice who too had poorly fates,
They told St Peter they would like some pairs of roller skates.
The next day St Peter asks the cat "Is he O.K. and how he feels"?
The cat said "Hey! the cushions great and oh! those meals on wheels."

Jill West.

Susan.

We live in a small village in Somerset. Some people have quite large gardens
and keep hens. So

Alan came on Wedensday and said "have you seen a hen ?
It seems to have escaped and I really can't say when.
The children are distressed that it's got a wanderlust
It's decided to go walkies and we think it's gone for bust".

We looked around our garden which isn't very big,
We said "if it's wearing a disguise it might be in a wig."
We had to report that there wasn't any sight,
If we tried to catch it we might be up all night.

Thursday.
We heard Alan calling across the garden wall,
He'd scaled the wall of number three almost heading for a fall.
"Susan's in your garden, behind your garden seat,
I may have to beg your pardon but this looks like a defeat."

Pete went out full of fight to corner the pretender,
Alas the bird had taken flight, it was a real contender.
The kitchen roof from number three to Alan was no worry
But when he came into sight Susan thought she'd better hurry.

So when he tried to grab her Susan flew up on the wall,
We said "Alan don't go back that way" we feared he'd have a fall.
So he came through our cottage with tablecloth in hand,
We so hoped he would catch her just as he had planned.

We can't say what happened next, you must enquire at No four,
You may not be very welcome if you go knocking on his door.
I don't think Alan really cares if she won't come home,
He says "she's a free range chicken, she has every right to roam."

Jill West.

P.S.The chicken came home of her own accord when she got hungry.
It was lucky a hungry fox didn't see her first.

The Beady Eyed BIrd.

We had been burgled in the past, it gave us such a fright
When we got up they'd broken in, we won't foget that night.
The burglars drilled the window frame, it was such a nasty shock
Then they lifted up the latch so there was no broken lock.

We were nervous for a long time and found it hard to rest,
So when we heard the noise we thought it wasn't for the best.
It came from what was once my shop, it sounded like a cluck,
So we picked up walking sticks to give us both some pluck.

When we went in we saw nothing till we looked down at the hearth,
Then what we saw crouching there gave us such a laugh.
The burglar was a large young rook, with beady staring eyes,
When he gave a lusty caw we both jumped with suprise.

I fetched a towel to catch the bird, that's the kindest way,
But he wasn't having any and made to fly away,
He flew once around the room and then made for the door,
Pete chased him but slipped on what the bird left on the floor.

From sitting room to dinning room he swiftly made his way,
What was on that poor birds mind I really couldn't say.
In the alcove a blue bowl sits looking like a nest,
So with a caw and a graceful swoop that's where he came to rest.

It was so simple then to catch him and so to set him free,
He must have been so relieved as I must say were we.

Jill West.
P.S. We now have locks on all of the windows. It's such a pain having
to find keys.

Media Madness.

One piece of news brings out the reporters
Just like a dog with a bone.
They don't let the truth spoil a good story
They never will leave it alone.
One piece of news starts a media frenzy,
All the reporters go crazy,
They all say "we've got an exclusive
The truth was elusive,
The facts of the matter were hazy."

One piece of news is the start of it all,
Everyone's given a shot.
Press, radio, TV, all glean from each other,
It all goes in the melting pot.
That vandalised church brings very long faces,
The vicar has tears in his eyes,
"The devil is in some people out there,
The police are quite useless he sighs."

One new piece of news can be hard to find,
Their deadline is getting quite tight,
Nothing is happening no news at all,
It gives the reporters a fright.
But if news gets short, they don't give a thought,
They know that when all else fails,
For a story to keep the veiwers and readers,
There's always The Princess of Wales.

Jill West.

Sooo not Banbury

Sooo not Banbury

She rides a white bike to get to her work
From Monday to Friday she doesn't shirk.
With a ring through her navel
And a stud through her nose,
Her I Pod plays music wherever she goes.

Jill West.

PAYING GUESTS.

Paying Guests.

Our daughter Hazel phoned and said "could you do B and B.
A client must go to Greece on business, he's in a quandary".
He has to leave dependants they must have some care,
They need looking after, not too easy to be fair."

I said "we're not to young ourselves and not really very fit"
Hazel said "you can do it, you'll soon get used to it"
We asked further questions she said "it's Sam who is a polly,
The boxer dog is beautiful and her name is Molly.

We said we would take them 'though we've never had a bird,
I knew we would love the dog, parrots are not to hard we've heard.
We were told that he could sing and also he would prance,
That was very near the truth he led us quite a dance.

He sat in the dining room just where he could see,
But we thought his aim in life was really to be free.
Sadly Sam thought my curtains looked quite nice,
He pulled them through into his cage and ripped them in a trice.

Half a pound of twopenny rice is the song that he can sing,
And he really dances flaps his wings and has a fling.
He says so much and makes us laugh we simply must forgive,
We've decided to be tolerant, to live and let live.

When they both went home again I admit I shed a tear,
Especially for that darling dog who stole my heart I fear.

Jill West.

When Sam and Molly come to us now my new curtains are well
out of reach.

The Assasin.

People who know my husband Pete well, think of him as a kind and gentle man.
He has another side to his nature as this poem shows. It is called

THE ASSASIN.

Pete strode up to the kitchen with murder in his heart.
It was then that I heard the awfull killing start.
I heard the deadly weapon strike, then his roaring call,
His great cry of triumph as he saw the body fall.
Three at least had fallen before he took a break,
I felt compassion for him I knew his arm must ache.
The paper he had rolled up and now held in his hand,
Was the weapon he had chosen to destroy that filthy band.
He knew that there were other ways he might soon have to try,
But just at that moment he had to kill the fly.

Jill West.

P.S. I hate fly sprays they make me wheeze.

Surface Mania.

Surface Mania.

Just give me a surface I can't bear to see it bare,
I must put something on it,I can't leave it sitting there.
We bought a pretty table, great just inside the door.
Now it holds a lot of games which once lived on the floor.

The worktops in the kitchen which were once really clear
Now hold china for restoring and oil paints sitting there.
The dresser in the sitting room which houses china bright
Is now adorned with paperwork, it's not a pretty sight.

The television can't escape, it holds a pot of flowers,
I picked them from the garden as I dodged the April showers.
I'd love to clear it all up and put it out of sight,
Sad to say I can't do that our cuboard space is tight.

The answer is more storage room
To make a tidy life complete
I know! my husband takes up lots of space
I'll just get rid of PETE.

Jill West.

Wardrobe Clutter.

Wardrobe Clutter.

I must clear out my wardrobe though
That's really a beautifull dress.
But the last time I wore it I have to admit
I weighed so very much less.

I really should should go on a diet,
I've put on more than a stone,
It happens to people as years advance
So I know that I don't weep alone.

The answer seems to be exercise,
That would put me on the right track,
But my poor little legs won't go too far,
And part of my problems my back.

Pete and I thought of press ups,
I must say that Pete managed three,
I did just one and then I was done,
It was nearly the finish of me.

I'll probably put half those things back
And cross them off of my list
And hope one day soon I'll be thinner,
I'm always an optimist.

Jill West.