Just Relax.

                                 JUST RELAX.

You'r going for your driving test what does your teacher say just relax you'll be O.K

Just RELAX.

If the dentist does it just once again he'll be the one who feels the pain

Just RELAX.

The doctor says it as the baby is near just relax there is nothing to fear

Just RELAX.

When I want to scream and shout and I don't know what life is all about,

I prescribe myself a glass of wine and I RELAX.

7 Shades of Muffet.

              7 Shades of Muffet.

When Little Miss Muffet left her tuffet

She lost her virginity,

That time was very strange indeed

Ending up in a trinity.

A lot went on that naughty night

Including something with whiplets

And what do you think the outcome is.

Miss Muppet's expecting triplets.

          Jill West.

Affection, Defection.

               Affection,Defection.

I'm going to divorce my husband,

They said " have you thought it through".

I said "I've thought of nothing else,

But there's nothing I can do".

We all share a bed together,

I know it sounds quite bad,

He bestows so much affection,

It makes me very sad.

I've thought so much about it.

Really tried to let it be,

But what it boils down to is,

HE LOVES THE I PAD MORE THAN ME.

                  Jill West.

(We've been married for 61 years,so we might last a bit longer.)

                                                                                                                                                                 

(I'ts 61 years now and I wouldn't ever let him go.)€,

Humpy Dumpty

Humpy Dumpty (from a bystander)

Humpy Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty gave a great call,

"Hey, all you kings horses,

And all you kings men,

I'm going to jump I'm counting to ten.

So there he was all ready to go,

The men had just eaten               

They were rather slow.

They just did not get there,

In time to catch him,

He came down with a crash,

And they couldn't reattach him.

       Jill West

Nursery Rhymes Reworked

                      Nursery Rhymes Reworked

Baa baa white sheep, have you any wool ?

I've gotten bags of it all of them full.

It's got rather damp and starting to fester,

The Dame doesn't want it, she prefers polyester.

                        Baaah

(Sadly the Master and the Little Boy who lives

down the lane are allergic to man made fibre.)

Mary had a little lamb, it lived up in her flat,

It grew quite big and awkward,

But it made a lovely mat.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet

Eating her curds and wheY.

There came a big spider dressed as a vicar,

He said the World Wide Webs here

Let us PREY.

                  Jill West.

Soppy Poem

                     Soppy Poem

We built a house of concrete, it was very strong,

But it wasn't very pretty so we sold it for a song.

Then we built one of bricks,that was rather nice,

It sold for lots of money so we won't tell you the price.

Then we built a house of love, nobody can fell it,

It is ever lasting so we'll never, ever sell it.

           

                         Jill West.

P.S. I told you it was soppy.

Digitalis and Wild Oats.

                       Digitalis andWild Oats.

We're always glad to feed the birds it doesn't cost a lot.

But lately our poor garden has rather gone to pot.

Sparrows, tits and woodpeckers all gather round,

They eat the seeds and nuts and things but some fall on the ground.

So now our gardens rather wild, Prince Charles would be so glad,

There are wild oats growing there, ( not Pete's I would be mad).

One of the strange and lovely things that's grown and prospered there

Is a foxglove ( Digitalis) so grand and tall and fair,

In past years with a tripod we've grown good runner beans,

That's where a seed had settled, a perfect spot it seems.

We were surprised the way it grew,quite as tall as Pete,

Then it went on growing as it flowered, three more feet.

I took a photo there of Pete to show how tall it's grown,

I've saved a lovely lot of seeds so more plants can be sewn.

I believe they are biennial so it may take a while,

But in the future digitalis will bring a happy smile.

                        Jill West

An Old Myth Shattered.

We live in a small village in Somerset. It has lots going on and on Saturday morning we have a Shop. Fresh cooked food, home grown veg. Unwanted goods etc. A free cup of coffee and a chat. Twenty per cent of sales go to the community fund for the village.

An Old Myth Shattered.

Men have always said that women love to chatter.
Get a few together and they have a real natter.
Men think that Saturday down at the shop,
Women are chattering, talking fit to drop.
I find that this is used to impart imformation,
Not the sort of talk that might change a nation.
We talk about health and what can be done,
To help someone with nasty little niggles.
But much is fun and we have lots of giggles.
The men who come in, usually form a small crowd.
Their heads go together, then they laugh rather loud.
The discussion might be deeply profound,
I think that is how they would like it to sound.
I have to admit that on the whole,
Talking together is good for the soul.
So let's keep on talking and not worry too much,
It's the best thing to keep us in touch.

Jill West.

The Wedding.

Remember the gnome who lives in our garage
along with the small homeless elf he let out space to.
So,
The Wedding.

Remember that gnome who lives at our place,
He decided to get him a wife.
She's a pretty young thing with a shock of green hair,
He's vowing that this is for life.
They married in London, most of their friends
Work in goverment Westminster Palace,
Some came from Zurich, in finance I think,
Her name ? Imelda Jane Alice.

It was quite a big do they had lots of guests,
The presents they had were sublime,
Though where they will put them I really don't know
Our garage is full all the time.
They invited the elf said would he like to go,
But he had a prior booking,
He runs a disco for friends of his kind,
His buisness is now really cooking.

They're home now at last but it's really quite hard
Space in the garage is short,
Though the elf does his best to keep out of their way
He really is quite a good sort.
We are hoping they might find a place to themselves,
So that they have a quieter life,
As they constantly have a procession of elves,
All wanting to meet the new wife.

So if you have a couple of rooms going spare
And don't object to the genus of gnome,
Just let me know and I'll pass it on
That they're getting a lovely new home.


Jill West.

Oldies Lament.

Oh crickey! I'm creaky, I'm cracky and sqeaky
It sounds like a shot when I bend or I squat.
When I come down the stairs (which are very old),
Which makes the most noise
When my knees creak with the cold.
If I were a tin man I'd get out the oil,
Get my joints moving, decrepitation to foil.
Condriton, Glaucosomine I take every day
I swallow them gladly with tea,
But whatever I do the creaks won't go away,
I don't think I'll ever be free.
I have to accept old age is upon me,
You won't see me running or dancing and prancing,
That's just the way it's got to be.

Jill West

POTHOLUS

The potholus is a crafty type related to the mole
But instead of pushing earth up he likes to dig a hole.
The mole likes soil that's soft and warm to push towards the light
The potholus digs downwards and packs the stuff in tight.

The mole likes lawns and grassy spots to make his little hump,
Potholus digs the road up and causes cars to bump.
The motorists just hate him as they drive along the lane,
Such dangers and discomfort cause a lot of pain.

The gardener is one who causes moles to fear,
Potholus hates council trucks, although the're fairly rare.
When he smells the heated tar he's quickly on his way,
He's off to wait for snow and ice to dig another day.

Jill West.
P.S. The translation from Latin to English is pothole.

Aerial Blitz.

Our daughter Hazel has two poodles, we have them when
Laurie and Hazel go on holiday. Charlie is ten years old and black,
Boris (Dogson) is one, blond and nutty.Their last stay with us turned
out to be very traumatic.

Aerial War.

The dogs came on Saturday to stay with us,
We didn't know their visit would cause such a fuss.
Charlie is ten and mostly sedate,
Boris torments him but is quite a good mate.
The first few days were good and we had lots of fun,
Chasing Boris round the garden to give him a run.
He takes off up the steps just like a plane,
Then round the garden twice and he flies back again.

Bees had been swarming in our dining room roof,
We were told they wouldn't hurt us but we hadn't any proof.
Then wasps attacked the bees to get at their honey
We felt so sorry for them it just wasn 't funny.
We had dying bees indoors crawling all about
I got stung on my foot and it really made me shout.
Then for three afternoons on the best days of the year
The swarmed fighting in the garden, what a terrible scare.

Boris was stung twice when he went out for a wee,
He hopped around crying it was horrid to see.
So then every time the dogs had to go out,
Pete put them on their leads to walk them about.
He phoned the man from the council and made it quite clear,
Wasps and bees must both go, we are living in fear.
He,s allergic to wasp stings they make him so sick
So we would be glad if he,d be very quick.

So the nice chap came out, he can kill any pest,
He did what he had to it was for the best.
They don't like killing bees we can understand why,
But with their honey all stolen they would probably die.
So peace reigned at last and we all could go out,
Boris played with his toys and dashed all about.
It didn't last long,the weather turned bad,
Those three days of sunshine were the best we had had.

Jill West.

SHAPES

With all the slimming programes arround at the moment
on T.V.I had a look in the mirror and came up with this poem.

SHAPES.

Lots of women hate their bodies they seem to them too fat,
They want to look like slender sylphs, big busts are now old hat.
Some say "I'm an apple shape that tummies such a no,
I must loose weight off my hips, that fat has got to go."
Others say " I'm pear shaped, my bottom is too large,
I know I should attend a gym but oh dear what they charge".
The thing about my figure is it doesn't fit the norm,
I'm not an apple or a pear I just don't conform.
I'm a POTATO shape with sticks for legs and arms,
But my lovely husband thinks I still have lots of charms.
So I'll just have to settle that my shape is rather odd,
It's been like that a long time now so I'll just accept my bod.

Jill West.

P.S.I believe there is also one called the toffee shape
but I don't know what that is.

Baby Love.

When a baby's born your heart lights up with joy,
If it's a darling daughter or a bouncing baby boy.
So much advice is thrown at you, do that or don't do this,
However much you love them babies aren't all bliss.

The biggest question that comes up is bottle or the breast.
However well informed you are you don't know which is best.
There is a fact you cannot change and it's not to do with health,
A calm and peace comes over you when you feed the child yourself.

It's such a lovely happy thing that cuddle full of love,
The super satisfaction that trancends all else above.
To watch your child thriving there and it may seem a quirk,
But when you're looking down you think, that's all my own work.

Jill West.

Why Can't I Retire.

Men say they look forward to retirement,
To relax and generally potter,
Spend an hour or two in the garden
Then down the pub they might totter.

Perhaps start to read War and Peace,
No time to do it before.
But it's just an excuse to nod off,
War and Peace is a terrible bore

Maybe start on those shelves soon,
They've been put off for to long.
But a woman dreads the event,
Something is sure to go wrong.

About twelve o'clock he will say
"What's for lunch, something I can do"?
He knows you'll have done it already,
Because lunch is down to you.

It seems to be a fact of life
When men retire they really do,
A housewives work is never done
It's mostly DOWN TO YOU.

Jill West.